Answering Questions Like a Normal Human is Good, Actually

Kevin Stefanski's press conferences feel like they've been written by Chat GPT

Dillon Gabriel is currently dead last in the NFL in success rate. He’s dead last in the NFL in completion percentage over expected. On Sunday, he airmailed a simple swing pass so far over the head of wide receiver Malachi Corley that not even Victor Wembanyama himself could’ve come down it.

When asked about Gabriel’s often errant and erratic passing, Cleveland Browns head coach Kevin Stefanski said this:

“Any quarterback, young and old, you’re going to miss throws. It’s an occupational hazard that you’re likely not going to go 100 percent completion percentage.”

As an organization, the Browns have long operated as if they are heading up some secret society. A PR person can be seen lurking behind any player or coach interview with a media scrum, and they essentially kept their now former chief strategy officer stashed away in a utility closet. All of this is hilarious, but even more so in the context of four winning seasons since the team’s return in 1999. Nothing the people in Berea have said or not said over the years have made any difference, the team just keeps losing.

We’ve reached the nadir of paranoia here in 2025, as Stefanski answers questions about why the Browns are, without blinking, continuing to start a quarterback who is both very smol and very bad, and why they wouldn’t, for example, turn to the other quarterback they drafted, who simply cannot be worse at football. Here was Stefanski’s response to when that other quarterback might get a chance to see the field.

“We’re committed to getting better as an offense. Dillon is certainly committing to improving every which way he can. And all the while, all of our players, young players, are developing and working so hard behind the scenes to make sure that they’re getting better on a daily basis.”

That the head coach won’t even mention Shedeur Sanders by name in response to a question about him is weird, but no weirder than his quote to another question about if it’s the goal of the organization to see the forgotten and disgraced Deshaun Watson back on the field at some point this season:

“I don’t have an update there.”

Trying to wrangle a meaningful answer out of Stefanski has been difficult throughout his tenure, but these quips are particularly maddeningly because of how harmless the actual truth would be. If he feels that Shedeur Sanders needs more development before playing regular season snaps, just say that. If he feels that the game will eventually slow down for Dillon Gabriel as he gets more reps under his belt, just say that. If there’s no plan for Deshaun Watson to ever see the field again for the Cleveland Browns…just say that!

Non-answers from coaches aren’t a new phenomenon, but in a season that became pointless the minute they traded Joe Flacco, playing coy serves no purpose. In an effort to shield his players, all Stefanski’s Chat GPT-generated retorts do is add to the speculation. Perhaps being normal would be as refreshing a change as this offense scoring over 20 points.